Christmases Past

As my mother sends in money and purchases an assortment of gifts to donate to children through various charities this Christmas, I can't help but be reminded of my own childhood Christmas memories, or lack thereof. My family has never been one to celebrate events or hold holiday parties, and Christmas is no exception. Yet every year, my mother mourns for the ill-fated children whose families are to poor to meet all of their Christmas wishes. She will go out of her way to get just the right gift for these poor children that she has never even met. Although this altruistic giving is something to be admired, it has always made me just a little bit sick inside.

You see, I never received just the right gift, never had a joyful Christmas morning, never was there even a Santa Claus for me. There was never much concern for if I got anything or not. Sure, I usually had something to unwrap: some candy, maybe discount clothes, or something picked up from a clearance rack. But never anything meaningful.

So while all of my friends got Barbies and video games and visions of sugar plums, I got... nothing, really. It's not that they had no money. It's not that they were unable to buy me an actual gift. They just didn't care enough to.

Perhaps I'm selfish. Maybe I just need to remind myself that it is better to give than to receive. Christmas is certainly the time of year to remember that God has given me all I need anyway. Things like this, though, have a way of sticking with you. Crazy, huh?

Entirely my fault

My mother says that it is my fault that my brother no longer speaks to her. Of course it would have to be my fault, it has to be someone else's fault, because she can never admit to herself that she has ever done anything wrong. I simply tell her that I hope that someday she will seek help for her problems and that I am not interested in listening to her accusations. She usually ends up ranting to my dad since I don't bother to arguing with her:

Her (angrily): "I know that she's working for the Devil and I will not allow it. She thinks that she can turn her brother against us. I want an apology. I want her on the phone, internet, or sending a smoke signal; and he can send a smoke signal back. I'm not going to be harassed and harangued and manipulated anymore! It will get her nowhere! I ain't gonna -"

Him (calmly): "Why are you shouting with bad grammar? Just close your mouth and calm down until you can communicate with correct grammar and no 'ain'ts'."

Her: "Well God can understand me through a connection with the Spirit... I have spoken to God a lot and I will speak what I need to speak. I ain't gonna be hurt by her no more..."

Him: You need to be careful what you say. If you can't speak respectfully and decently then don't say anything.

Her (!): She's got you wrapped around her little finger. You've let her have her way her entire childhood. She will not rule me. No more. When it comes time to make the will there will be some changes made. I'm putting her on notice. If she doesn't change her attitude and try to get her brother to communicate. I will not sit back idly and let people walk all over my heart. They think they're going to divide my family. I will have no part of it. I want peace. Blessed are the peacemakers. Seek peace and pursue it honestly. He will not allow it in the Kingdom. I have to say what Christ would say in me. I have to because you won't. Christ in me is saying this. God won't be pleased with someone dividing a family up for their own personal gain. And maybe she will turn around. I'm hoping that I will get through to her. God is going to win this battle for me. Everybody can go to hell in a hand-basket if that's what they want. Don't be trying to divide and conquer with me because it doesn't work with God. I'm going to set things straight. There won't be any gain. I'm putting the Devil down. I'm not sitting here listening to this garbage anymore. I'm gonna put this trash where it belongs. There's no gain in that. I have to say that. Christ in you should understand I have to say that. There is no reward for someone that wants to destroy a family. Harmony and love. That is what I'm here for."

Once she gets started, there's no stopping her. She makes sure of that. Before he can even say anything else, she's already taken care of it:

"I will speak what needs to be spoken! I'm going to have peace as much as I can. There's no need to be like this. It is wrong. It is only to please the Devil and not to please God. It is doing the Devil's bidding. It is impudence! Telling me 'You've got problems.' Christ will heal the brokenhearted, that people have destroyed, when he comes back. When we see evil in our midst we are to stand up against it! I will be praying for the Holy Spirit. That's what changes people!"

Him (still calmly): "Why are you shouting?"

Her: "I am angry! I am not a robot! I am a human! I have feelings!"

Can't you almost see her past trauma which is causing current psychological problems?

"Christ in me"

"I want for everything to be right.

"So everything is okay, as long as you get your way?"

"It's not my way, it's the way of Christ."

An Ultimatum

My brother came to visit in December. He spent his entire vacation attempting to clean up my mother's mess. No one would be surprised to find her house in a few years on an episode of "Hoarders," as it seems to get progressively worse, right alongside her mental illness.

My brother remained positive throughout the cleanup, as she was well behaved for much of the time. By the end, however, she could no longer contain her anxiety and ended up yelling at him to leave.

On his final day here, instead of enjoying his time with his parents, he spent his time searching for my mother's former psychiatrist, who she now refuses to see. He informed her that if she ever wanted to see or hear from him again, she would first need to take the medicine prescribed by her psychiatrist.

He left on New Year's Eve, yet my mother has no plans to seek treatment for her illness. She doesn't have an illness, of course, she claims, because "the Holy Spirit has given [her] a sound mind."

She says that medication is "for people that don't have God."

Not one problem, but two

Here's why sometimes it seems so hopeless:

My father has trouble recognizing what needs to be done. He lives in denial with regards to my mother's mental state.

My husband and I spoke to the pastor and his wife over lunch last Sunday. They know that we need to take action.

I spoke to my dad's psychiatrist as well, when he called a few nights ago. He agrees that my mother needs treatment and had a list of suggestions on how to accomplish this.

It seems as though everyone recognizes the severity of my mother's problems - everyone but my dad, anyway.

This evening I told my dad very clearly that my mother needs psychiatric help and that she needs medication.

His response?

"Well maybe there's some sort of natural alternative..."

Oh.
My.
Goodness.

Really, what can you say to that?

Blame it on your lying, cheating, cold deadbeating, two-timing, double dealing, mean mistreating, loving heart

My mother's rants seem to take a cyclical nature. For weeks she will focus on her health and all of her "illnesses," and then it suddenly shifts to a different topic, and then back to her health again.

She is currently fixated on the fact that my dad, according to her, is "interested in other women." She accuses him of all sorts of insane things, such as searching for her replacement, the desire to wife-swap, on-line relationships, being a "two-timer" and an inappropriate interest in his sister-in-law who lives 2,000 miles away.

Recently, while checking his e-mail, she noticed that he had friend requests from a social networking site sent by *gasp* women. But what could you expect from some one with a sneaky temperament? She of course was "shocked and disgusted" by this.

"If you want to stay married to me...." she began her spiel against social networking sites, their marriage-wrecking capabilities, and their satanic origins. "That is why marriages are broken and our society has such a high divorce rate. It is doing Satan's business" she explained.

"You have no discernment in your brain at all. These women out here are just horrible. Friend requesting you. And they're 18, 23, 24 and a 59 year old. You would not find that kind of crap in my e-mail. This is just filth. 'Chat, flirt, photos, games, and more!' They have pictures on there of women with their names and ages. You want to be associated with this kind of mess? I'm sick of it. Would you want your pastor to see that? It's too filthy for me to even send to you. It is pure carnality. You need to delete all of that. I just think it's wrong. Men are visually oriented and they have pictures of women. It's just wrong. Who got you into that anyway? Anybody that's a Christian should never be on stuff like that. I am shocked. That is despicable. You are a married man. You're not single. That is just a garbage site for people that are looking for hookers. You have a choice. What do you think your wife is? A numskull idiot? You think I've got an IQ of 10? That I'm not going to be looking into you? Well I'm going to be looking closer. I want to know who Sue is from church..."

Of course that is only the beginning. She will continue like this until she finally finds some other topic to complain about.

All I can think about is this.

You've got a thing or two to learn about me baby
'Cause I ain't taking it no more and I don't mean maybe
You don't know right from wrong
Well the love we had is gone
So blame it on your lying, cheating, cold dead-beating,
Two-timing, double dealing
Mean mistreating, loving heart

Hypochodriac + Common Household Items = Danger

My mother recently visited a new doctor, not just any doctor, but a "naturopath". The purpose of her visit? She needed to discuss how to "detoxify". It seems that she was poisoned, she says, by an air freshener. Yes, that's right; she complained of pain, coughing, and difficulty breathing, all because she got a whiff of an air freshener. I never knew they could be so dangerous. What will she come up with next?

(Well, this morning it was foot pain, I believe. This evening it's been a sore neck.)

Anything that can be complained about, she will complain about.

Monologue - I am not!

"...I'm going to send them an e-mail so that you won't ever be telling anyone else that I'm mentally ill! You won't be telling lies like that! We're going to put a stop to this. If you want to stay married to me then you better. I am not depressed. We're going to straighten you out. And I do not have depression. I'm going to blow you right now with that pastor and they will know why it looks like I have depression! I guess what you do could give a person depression! But I do not have that. I am going to get you some help and accountability with the pastor and the psychiatrist. When we get done with you, you will never want to do that again! Your filth and garbage is coming out! I'm not the one with mental illness! There's going to be accountability. Is that okay?! Because it's going to have to be okay if you want to stay married to me. Is that clear mister?! Are you ready to be right with God and people and me?! Do you understand?! I'm going to let them know that you need to be watched over. You don't need to invite trouble. And I'm going to tell those pastors that you do invite trouble and you do need to be watched over. Don't you think it's appropriate to have accountability? These people are wimps and I'm not expecting much, but at least they will be clued in..."

...and on and on and on it goes...

Overheard

HIM: "I bought too much lunch meat this time. We need to make sure that we don't buy so much next time because it could spoil."

... Approximately 10 minutes later...
HER: (angrily) "Is that anyway to treat your wife who is sick, who feels like she is about to die?! Yelling at her?! Criticizing everything that she does?! 'Don't ever do that again!' you said. You yelled at me!"

HIM: (softly) "Did I yell at you?"

ME: (confused) "Do you even know what she's talking about? Because I have no idea what she's talking about." (vague feeling that this is not about to make sense)

HIM: "Well, I think she's talking about the meat."

ME: (huh?)

HER: " 'Don't ever do that again' he yelled at me."

ME: "No he didn't. That's not even what he said."

HER: "He has no idea what it feels like to have a headache and abdominal pain. You people always have to criticize me!"

Trauma

The article found here on Developmental Trauma Disorder explains how many problems are started.

"Traumatized children develop a view of the world that incorporates their betrayal and hurt... They easily misinterpret events in the direction of a return of trauma and helplessness which causes them to be constantly on-guard, frightened and over-reactive."

Although the article discusses trauma in children, much of it can still be applied to my mother.