Christmases Past

As my mother sends in money and purchases an assortment of gifts to donate to children through various charities this Christmas, I can't help but be reminded of my own childhood Christmas memories, or lack thereof. My family has never been one to celebrate events or hold holiday parties, and Christmas is no exception. Yet every year, my mother mourns for the ill-fated children whose families are to poor to meet all of their Christmas wishes. She will go out of her way to get just the right gift for these poor children that she has never even met. Although this altruistic giving is something to be admired, it has always made me just a little bit sick inside.

You see, I never received just the right gift, never had a joyful Christmas morning, never was there even a Santa Claus for me. There was never much concern for if I got anything or not. Sure, I usually had something to unwrap: some candy, maybe discount clothes, or something picked up from a clearance rack. But never anything meaningful.

So while all of my friends got Barbies and video games and visions of sugar plums, I got... nothing, really. It's not that they had no money. It's not that they were unable to buy me an actual gift. They just didn't care enough to.

Perhaps I'm selfish. Maybe I just need to remind myself that it is better to give than to receive. Christmas is certainly the time of year to remember that God has given me all I need anyway. Things like this, though, have a way of sticking with you. Crazy, huh?

Entirely my fault

My mother says that it is my fault that my brother no longer speaks to her. Of course it would have to be my fault, it has to be someone else's fault, because she can never admit to herself that she has ever done anything wrong. I simply tell her that I hope that someday she will seek help for her problems and that I am not interested in listening to her accusations. She usually ends up ranting to my dad since I don't bother to arguing with her:

Her (angrily): "I know that she's working for the Devil and I will not allow it. She thinks that she can turn her brother against us. I want an apology. I want her on the phone, internet, or sending a smoke signal; and he can send a smoke signal back. I'm not going to be harassed and harangued and manipulated anymore! It will get her nowhere! I ain't gonna -"

Him (calmly): "Why are you shouting with bad grammar? Just close your mouth and calm down until you can communicate with correct grammar and no 'ain'ts'."

Her: "Well God can understand me through a connection with the Spirit... I have spoken to God a lot and I will speak what I need to speak. I ain't gonna be hurt by her no more..."

Him: You need to be careful what you say. If you can't speak respectfully and decently then don't say anything.

Her (!): She's got you wrapped around her little finger. You've let her have her way her entire childhood. She will not rule me. No more. When it comes time to make the will there will be some changes made. I'm putting her on notice. If she doesn't change her attitude and try to get her brother to communicate. I will not sit back idly and let people walk all over my heart. They think they're going to divide my family. I will have no part of it. I want peace. Blessed are the peacemakers. Seek peace and pursue it honestly. He will not allow it in the Kingdom. I have to say what Christ would say in me. I have to because you won't. Christ in me is saying this. God won't be pleased with someone dividing a family up for their own personal gain. And maybe she will turn around. I'm hoping that I will get through to her. God is going to win this battle for me. Everybody can go to hell in a hand-basket if that's what they want. Don't be trying to divide and conquer with me because it doesn't work with God. I'm going to set things straight. There won't be any gain. I'm putting the Devil down. I'm not sitting here listening to this garbage anymore. I'm gonna put this trash where it belongs. There's no gain in that. I have to say that. Christ in you should understand I have to say that. There is no reward for someone that wants to destroy a family. Harmony and love. That is what I'm here for."

Once she gets started, there's no stopping her. She makes sure of that. Before he can even say anything else, she's already taken care of it:

"I will speak what needs to be spoken! I'm going to have peace as much as I can. There's no need to be like this. It is wrong. It is only to please the Devil and not to please God. It is doing the Devil's bidding. It is impudence! Telling me 'You've got problems.' Christ will heal the brokenhearted, that people have destroyed, when he comes back. When we see evil in our midst we are to stand up against it! I will be praying for the Holy Spirit. That's what changes people!"

Him (still calmly): "Why are you shouting?"

Her: "I am angry! I am not a robot! I am a human! I have feelings!"

Can't you almost see her past trauma which is causing current psychological problems?

"Christ in me"

"I want for everything to be right.

"So everything is okay, as long as you get your way?"

"It's not my way, it's the way of Christ."

An Ultimatum

My brother came to visit in December. He spent his entire vacation attempting to clean up my mother's mess. No one would be surprised to find her house in a few years on an episode of "Hoarders," as it seems to get progressively worse, right alongside her mental illness.

My brother remained positive throughout the cleanup, as she was well behaved for much of the time. By the end, however, she could no longer contain her anxiety and ended up yelling at him to leave.

On his final day here, instead of enjoying his time with his parents, he spent his time searching for my mother's former psychiatrist, who she now refuses to see. He informed her that if she ever wanted to see or hear from him again, she would first need to take the medicine prescribed by her psychiatrist.

He left on New Year's Eve, yet my mother has no plans to seek treatment for her illness. She doesn't have an illness, of course, she claims, because "the Holy Spirit has given [her] a sound mind."

She says that medication is "for people that don't have God."