Denial
My mother does not know that she has a psychological problem. "I do not have a problem and I know it. I have peace from God. I am fine" she explains.
As a result, she refuses to seek treatment. ("I am not going to submit to any mental health examination because I don't have any problems. Got that? Do you understand?")
On some level she must realize that there is something wrong, and that is what scares her to death. The mere suggestion that seeking help would be beneficial will cause her to become highly defensive or provoke her outbursts of anger. She is afraid that we will try and have her committed to a local mental hospital.
She has recently tried finding ways to "prove" that she is not mentally ill. It is impossible because "the Holy Spirit gives [her] a sound mind," she says, once again quoting the Bible out of context.
Reasoning with her is impossible. She will simply tune you out and shout over you "please leave me alone. Stop this now! I don't have this problem."
Projection
Denial and projection go hand in hand. Since she does not have any problems at all, it must be everyone else that has the problem.
She is convinced that everyone wrongly believes that she is mentally ill because, in fact, everyone else is mentally ill. As a hypochondriac, she sees her difficulties as being physically-caused and believes that the rest of us can't "see the truth" because of our own mental deficits. "I hope that you will someday understand about my health and menopause" she recently wrote to my brother, referencing one of the many physical conditions that she supposedly suffers from.
"You need to tell our children that I do not have a mental illness. You have been off in your head. I have not been diagnosed and I'm not going to be" she told my father today. The main recipient of her verbal attacks is my father. "You need to have your head examined" seems to be one her favorite phrases. She more often tells him that he has a problem than he tells her. That, of course, is another problem entirely.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Symptoms part 3
"Discernment"
My mother believes that she is able to see, notice, realize, or understand things that others are not able to perceive. She calls this "gift" discernment. Having this "gift from God" means that she is always right about everything.
"I'm telling you the truth, as it comes from the Holy Spirit, through me" she has said, in attempt to explain how everything that she believes must be true. She knows everything, she's just "not understood by anyone" she says. ("You're the one that needs the understanding here. I've got the understanding.") In fact, everyone else does not know the truth because, unlike her, "they are all deceived."
"Can you read what's going on his mind?" my father asked her during a recent discussion, after she made paranoid accusations against another person.
"Yes. I can read people quite well" she replied.
She is very critical of others yet refuses to acknowledge any of her own faults. Correcting any misinformation that she may have is a futile effort. She will say that you are a "know-it-all" and will suggest that "your head might explode." She does not allow anyone time to argue against her opinions anyhow. She talks in long monologues, seldom allowing anyone else to speak. Her monologues are quite repetitive; she will often repeat the same ideas or phrases over and over. She will even become fixated on certain words, such as "treacherous" or "egregious," and will use them at every opportunity.
She loves to use religious references and often quotes bible verses out of context. If you do not agree with everything that she says then it is because "a prophet is not heard in their own country." She will tell you that "you're not on the right spiritual wavelength. You're on a satanic one. You're not on God's."
She views herself as some sort of martyr and says that she knows "exactly how Jesus Christ felt on the cross" because she, too, has been rejected and mistreated by others. She will say that she knows exactly how anyone else feels, for example, a person who is seriously ill. ("He has cancer? I know exactly how he feels because I am so sick and I feel so bad all the time and...") She will minimize others' struggles, no matter how great, in an effort to make her own seem important. ("Oh, she has heart disease? Well, my heart was in so much pain last December; I knew that I was going to die. It was such an intense pain and I...")
She also believes that she is somehow better than everyone else in the world. She looks down on others because, in her opinion, they do not eat as well as she does, or spend their money as wisely as she would, or perhaps because they are not as religious as she is. ("They're such new Christians... They have not been taught.")
She explains others' behaviors, which she views negatively, based on a book she read about "temperaments." She refers to everyone else that she knows as being "strong-willed" or having a "sneaky temperament." She herself, however, supposedly has a "compliant temperament."
No one else will ever be able to reach her level of perfection.
My mother believes that she is able to see, notice, realize, or understand things that others are not able to perceive. She calls this "gift" discernment. Having this "gift from God" means that she is always right about everything.
"I'm telling you the truth, as it comes from the Holy Spirit, through me" she has said, in attempt to explain how everything that she believes must be true. She knows everything, she's just "not understood by anyone" she says. ("You're the one that needs the understanding here. I've got the understanding.") In fact, everyone else does not know the truth because, unlike her, "they are all deceived."
"Can you read what's going on his mind?" my father asked her during a recent discussion, after she made paranoid accusations against another person.
"Yes. I can read people quite well" she replied.
She is very critical of others yet refuses to acknowledge any of her own faults. Correcting any misinformation that she may have is a futile effort. She will say that you are a "know-it-all" and will suggest that "your head might explode." She does not allow anyone time to argue against her opinions anyhow. She talks in long monologues, seldom allowing anyone else to speak. Her monologues are quite repetitive; she will often repeat the same ideas or phrases over and over. She will even become fixated on certain words, such as "treacherous" or "egregious," and will use them at every opportunity.
She loves to use religious references and often quotes bible verses out of context. If you do not agree with everything that she says then it is because "a prophet is not heard in their own country." She will tell you that "you're not on the right spiritual wavelength. You're on a satanic one. You're not on God's."
She views herself as some sort of martyr and says that she knows "exactly how Jesus Christ felt on the cross" because she, too, has been rejected and mistreated by others. She will say that she knows exactly how anyone else feels, for example, a person who is seriously ill. ("He has cancer? I know exactly how he feels because I am so sick and I feel so bad all the time and...") She will minimize others' struggles, no matter how great, in an effort to make her own seem important. ("Oh, she has heart disease? Well, my heart was in so much pain last December; I knew that I was going to die. It was such an intense pain and I...")
She also believes that she is somehow better than everyone else in the world. She looks down on others because, in her opinion, they do not eat as well as she does, or spend their money as wisely as she would, or perhaps because they are not as religious as she is. ("They're such new Christians... They have not been taught.")
She explains others' behaviors, which she views negatively, based on a book she read about "temperaments." She refers to everyone else that she knows as being "strong-willed" or having a "sneaky temperament." She herself, however, supposedly has a "compliant temperament."
No one else will ever be able to reach her level of perfection.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Something needs to be done
Sometimes I just don't know what to do.
Yesterday, after church, I was talking to the pastor about my parents' situation, which he knows about. He commented how sad it was that they are unable to truly "live" their lives together. He agrees that my dad needs to do something soon. He even said that if she doesn't end up killing him first, the stress is going to give him a heart attack.
Three hours later, there I was, calling 9-1-1, at my dad's request, because he had very sharp chest pain.
Wow.
The doctors say that his heart is fine. It appears that the whole thing was anxiety-related. I can't say that surprises me at all.
Of course, this brings us back to the original problem. Something needs to be done. I cannot allow her mental illness to kill him too. It's simply not fair.
Yesterday, after church, I was talking to the pastor about my parents' situation, which he knows about. He commented how sad it was that they are unable to truly "live" their lives together. He agrees that my dad needs to do something soon. He even said that if she doesn't end up killing him first, the stress is going to give him a heart attack.
Three hours later, there I was, calling 9-1-1, at my dad's request, because he had very sharp chest pain.
Wow.
The doctors say that his heart is fine. It appears that the whole thing was anxiety-related. I can't say that surprises me at all.
Of course, this brings us back to the original problem. Something needs to be done. I cannot allow her mental illness to kill him too. It's simply not fair.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Symptoms part 2
Hypochondria
My mother has a long list of ever-changing yet always-present physical "ailments." Her hypochondria has escalated in recent years as a result of the internet. She is now a cyberchondriac, which according to Webster's New Word Dictionary means that she is "a hypochondriac who imagines that he or she has a particular disease based on medical information gleamed from the Internet." She will read about an obscure medical condition either online or in a book and will quickly become convinced that she suffers from that illness.
She truly believes that she is deathly ill. "I'm dying" or "I feel like I'm going to die" she will often say. Although she has said that she would be better off "with God" instead of "on this earth," it is clear that she fears death.
As a result of her numerous imagined illnesses she has a very large supply of nutritional supplements. She believes that each new purchase will be the one that will somehow solve her physical problems.
She has a very strict diet. There are numerous foods that she refuses to eat because she believes that she is allergic to them, or that they are not good for people with her blood type, or because they may be contaminated.
She is overweight and does have one allergy, however most of her illnesses only exist inside her imagination.
Today, after many complaints of a supposed UTI she went to the doctor, who of course found no such infection. She arrived home still insisting that she is ill, it's just that the doctor couldn't see it.
She enjoys letting people know how sick she is. So much so, in fact, that her pastor's wife has found it difficult to speak to her on Sunday mornings, knowing that she would be stuck listening to her complaints and unable to greet any of the other churchgoers.
She complains almost nonstop to anyone who will listen. ("I am too tired." "I am so thirsty." "I feel like I could die." "I am too hot." "I am so sick." "It stinks in here." "I can not keep up with it all." "There is too much to do.")
Failure to Take Responsibility for Own Actions
My mother refuses to acknowledge that she has contributed to any of her own problems.
She believes that she is unable to lose weight because of her metabolism, or "mercury poisoning," or her thyroid, or... anything else, except for her lack of exercise and her refusal to change her diet. She even blames the pediatrician, who instructed her parents, to feed her Karo syrup as an infant. That, she says, is what set her up to be overweight.
Lethargy
My mother's daily routine consists of sleeping, eating, and sitting on the couch with her laptop. She has not been employed for many years. She does not like light, and prefers to sit in the dark instead of opening up the curtains. Her lack of personal hygiene is also disturbing. She dislikes any form of exercise. She will not even go for a walk in her neighborhood.
There's more to come.
My mother has a long list of ever-changing yet always-present physical "ailments." Her hypochondria has escalated in recent years as a result of the internet. She is now a cyberchondriac, which according to Webster's New Word Dictionary means that she is "a hypochondriac who imagines that he or she has a particular disease based on medical information gleamed from the Internet." She will read about an obscure medical condition either online or in a book and will quickly become convinced that she suffers from that illness.
She truly believes that she is deathly ill. "I'm dying" or "I feel like I'm going to die" she will often say. Although she has said that she would be better off "with God" instead of "on this earth," it is clear that she fears death.
As a result of her numerous imagined illnesses she has a very large supply of nutritional supplements. She believes that each new purchase will be the one that will somehow solve her physical problems.
She has a very strict diet. There are numerous foods that she refuses to eat because she believes that she is allergic to them, or that they are not good for people with her blood type, or because they may be contaminated.
She is overweight and does have one allergy, however most of her illnesses only exist inside her imagination.
Today, after many complaints of a supposed UTI she went to the doctor, who of course found no such infection. She arrived home still insisting that she is ill, it's just that the doctor couldn't see it.
She enjoys letting people know how sick she is. So much so, in fact, that her pastor's wife has found it difficult to speak to her on Sunday mornings, knowing that she would be stuck listening to her complaints and unable to greet any of the other churchgoers.
She complains almost nonstop to anyone who will listen. ("I am too tired." "I am so thirsty." "I feel like I could die." "I am too hot." "I am so sick." "It stinks in here." "I can not keep up with it all." "There is too much to do.")
Failure to Take Responsibility for Own Actions
My mother refuses to acknowledge that she has contributed to any of her own problems.
She believes that she is unable to lose weight because of her metabolism, or "mercury poisoning," or her thyroid, or... anything else, except for her lack of exercise and her refusal to change her diet. She even blames the pediatrician, who instructed her parents, to feed her Karo syrup as an infant. That, she says, is what set her up to be overweight.
Lethargy
My mother's daily routine consists of sleeping, eating, and sitting on the couch with her laptop. She has not been employed for many years. She does not like light, and prefers to sit in the dark instead of opening up the curtains. Her lack of personal hygiene is also disturbing. She dislikes any form of exercise. She will not even go for a walk in her neighborhood.
There's more to come.
Symptoms
Let's talk about symptoms.
Paranoia
My mother is constantly worried about anything and everything. "I'm so worried right now" she will often say.
She believes that "everyone gangs up on" her. She is not able to trust anyone, as she believes that everyone is out to get her. She says that she can only trust in God. This means that she in unable to form a close relationship with anyone. It caused an alienation of family members who do not want to be around her. She does not trust her own spouse and believes that he would cheat on her if given the opportunity. She often accuses him of this.
She believes that others want to hide things from her. She reads her husband's e-mails and still accuses him of deceit. ("You say 'I'm on the phone' but you don't say who you're calling.")
She often feels that she has been emotionally hurt by others. She initially likes new acquaintances, only to develop a sense of distrust over time. She will misinterpret their actions or statements. ("I could just tell by the way she looked at me" she'll say.)
She fears that there are "scopers" watching her house in order to break into it. This means that she is afraid of leaving the house alone because it could be broken into while she's gone. She never answers her phone, preferring to listen to answering machine messages, since she thinks that calls could actually be from the "scopers," wanting to find out when she is at home.
She is afraid of everything. Even a simple insect entering the house will send her into a panic. Daily life has to be hard when everything has become so troublesome.
Paranoia
My mother is constantly worried about anything and everything. "I'm so worried right now" she will often say.
She believes that "everyone gangs up on" her. She is not able to trust anyone, as she believes that everyone is out to get her. She says that she can only trust in God. This means that she in unable to form a close relationship with anyone. It caused an alienation of family members who do not want to be around her. She does not trust her own spouse and believes that he would cheat on her if given the opportunity. She often accuses him of this.
She believes that others want to hide things from her. She reads her husband's e-mails and still accuses him of deceit. ("You say 'I'm on the phone' but you don't say who you're calling.")
She often feels that she has been emotionally hurt by others. She initially likes new acquaintances, only to develop a sense of distrust over time. She will misinterpret their actions or statements. ("I could just tell by the way she looked at me" she'll say.)
She fears that there are "scopers" watching her house in order to break into it. This means that she is afraid of leaving the house alone because it could be broken into while she's gone. She never answers her phone, preferring to listen to answering machine messages, since she thinks that calls could actually be from the "scopers," wanting to find out when she is at home.
She is afraid of everything. Even a simple insect entering the house will send her into a panic. Daily life has to be hard when everything has become so troublesome.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
In search of a cure
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, "an estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder." Mental illness is very prevalent in our society, yet far too often goes undiagnosed and untreated. My family and I have been greatly affected by this disease. Here I hope to share my story, not so much in an effort to entertain potential readers, but with the hope that I might find and offer support to others who have been affected, and that I myself might be able to find some way to help my family.
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