Christmases Past

As my mother sends in money and purchases an assortment of gifts to donate to children through various charities this Christmas, I can't help but be reminded of my own childhood Christmas memories, or lack thereof. My family has never been one to celebrate events or hold holiday parties, and Christmas is no exception. Yet every year, my mother mourns for the ill-fated children whose families are to poor to meet all of their Christmas wishes. She will go out of her way to get just the right gift for these poor children that she has never even met. Although this altruistic giving is something to be admired, it has always made me just a little bit sick inside.

You see, I never received just the right gift, never had a joyful Christmas morning, never was there even a Santa Claus for me. There was never much concern for if I got anything or not. Sure, I usually had something to unwrap: some candy, maybe discount clothes, or something picked up from a clearance rack. But never anything meaningful.

So while all of my friends got Barbies and video games and visions of sugar plums, I got... nothing, really. It's not that they had no money. It's not that they were unable to buy me an actual gift. They just didn't care enough to.

Perhaps I'm selfish. Maybe I just need to remind myself that it is better to give than to receive. Christmas is certainly the time of year to remember that God has given me all I need anyway. Things like this, though, have a way of sticking with you. Crazy, huh?

"Christ in me"

"I want for everything to be right.

"So everything is okay, as long as you get your way?"

"It's not my way, it's the way of Christ."

Not one problem, but two

Here's why sometimes it seems so hopeless:

My father has trouble recognizing what needs to be done. He lives in denial with regards to my mother's mental state.

My husband and I spoke to the pastor and his wife over lunch last Sunday. They know that we need to take action.

I spoke to my dad's psychiatrist as well, when he called a few nights ago. He agrees that my mother needs treatment and had a list of suggestions on how to accomplish this.

It seems as though everyone recognizes the severity of my mother's problems - everyone but my dad, anyway.

This evening I told my dad very clearly that my mother needs psychiatric help and that she needs medication.

His response?

"Well maybe there's some sort of natural alternative..."

Oh.
My.
Goodness.

Really, what can you say to that?

Blame it on your lying, cheating, cold deadbeating, two-timing, double dealing, mean mistreating, loving heart

My mother's rants seem to take a cyclical nature. For weeks she will focus on her health and all of her "illnesses," and then it suddenly shifts to a different topic, and then back to her health again.

She is currently fixated on the fact that my dad, according to her, is "interested in other women." She accuses him of all sorts of insane things, such as searching for her replacement, the desire to wife-swap, on-line relationships, being a "two-timer" and an inappropriate interest in his sister-in-law who lives 2,000 miles away.

Recently, while checking his e-mail, she noticed that he had friend requests from a social networking site sent by *gasp* women. But what could you expect from some one with a sneaky temperament? She of course was "shocked and disgusted" by this.

"If you want to stay married to me...." she began her spiel against social networking sites, their marriage-wrecking capabilities, and their satanic origins. "That is why marriages are broken and our society has such a high divorce rate. It is doing Satan's business" she explained.

"You have no discernment in your brain at all. These women out here are just horrible. Friend requesting you. And they're 18, 23, 24 and a 59 year old. You would not find that kind of crap in my e-mail. This is just filth. 'Chat, flirt, photos, games, and more!' They have pictures on there of women with their names and ages. You want to be associated with this kind of mess? I'm sick of it. Would you want your pastor to see that? It's too filthy for me to even send to you. It is pure carnality. You need to delete all of that. I just think it's wrong. Men are visually oriented and they have pictures of women. It's just wrong. Who got you into that anyway? Anybody that's a Christian should never be on stuff like that. I am shocked. That is despicable. You are a married man. You're not single. That is just a garbage site for people that are looking for hookers. You have a choice. What do you think your wife is? A numskull idiot? You think I've got an IQ of 10? That I'm not going to be looking into you? Well I'm going to be looking closer. I want to know who Sue is from church..."

Of course that is only the beginning. She will continue like this until she finally finds some other topic to complain about.

All I can think about is this.

You've got a thing or two to learn about me baby
'Cause I ain't taking it no more and I don't mean maybe
You don't know right from wrong
Well the love we had is gone
So blame it on your lying, cheating, cold dead-beating,
Two-timing, double dealing
Mean mistreating, loving heart

Monologue - I am not!

"...I'm going to send them an e-mail so that you won't ever be telling anyone else that I'm mentally ill! You won't be telling lies like that! We're going to put a stop to this. If you want to stay married to me then you better. I am not depressed. We're going to straighten you out. And I do not have depression. I'm going to blow you right now with that pastor and they will know why it looks like I have depression! I guess what you do could give a person depression! But I do not have that. I am going to get you some help and accountability with the pastor and the psychiatrist. When we get done with you, you will never want to do that again! Your filth and garbage is coming out! I'm not the one with mental illness! There's going to be accountability. Is that okay?! Because it's going to have to be okay if you want to stay married to me. Is that clear mister?! Are you ready to be right with God and people and me?! Do you understand?! I'm going to let them know that you need to be watched over. You don't need to invite trouble. And I'm going to tell those pastors that you do invite trouble and you do need to be watched over. Don't you think it's appropriate to have accountability? These people are wimps and I'm not expecting much, but at least they will be clued in..."

...and on and on and on it goes...

Overheard

HIM: "I bought too much lunch meat this time. We need to make sure that we don't buy so much next time because it could spoil."

... Approximately 10 minutes later...
HER: (angrily) "Is that anyway to treat your wife who is sick, who feels like she is about to die?! Yelling at her?! Criticizing everything that she does?! 'Don't ever do that again!' you said. You yelled at me!"

HIM: (softly) "Did I yell at you?"

ME: (confused) "Do you even know what she's talking about? Because I have no idea what she's talking about." (vague feeling that this is not about to make sense)

HIM: "Well, I think she's talking about the meat."

ME: (huh?)

HER: " 'Don't ever do that again' he yelled at me."

ME: "No he didn't. That's not even what he said."

HER: "He has no idea what it feels like to have a headache and abdominal pain. You people always have to criticize me!"

Sometimes I worry about myself.

Mental illness seems to run in the family; it's not just my mother. Her whole entire family seems to have suffered from it to some extent. I remember hearing about some great aunt who went crazy. There's my uncle, who I recall was obsessed with germs and spent hours just washing his hands. From what I've heard about my mother's parents, I'm fairly certain they were not mentally healthy either. My aunt, however, is the only one with a known diagnosis: schizo-affective disorder. She's bipolar, schizophrenic, and also suffers from dissociative personality (multiple personality) disorder.

My dad has some sort of anxiety-related problems. It's probably secondary trauma from being around my mother for so long.

Just a few weeks ago my I found out from my brother that he has had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

My aunt says not to worry, that I'm probably past the onset age for schizophrenia. For family members of schizophrenics, however, the risk of schizophrenia is ten times greater than that in the general population.

So I've told my husband that the day I start exhibiting any of my mother's symptoms he is to take me to the nearest psychiatrist as soon as he can; because that's about all that can be done.

The Church Cake Fiasco

My mother no longer goes to church. She has decided that the church that she attended with my father must be some kind of cult. As a result of her paranoia, she believes that everyone at church is against her.

This all begin quite innocently. A few months ago, at a charitable event, someone asked if she had brought one of the cakes. If she brought a cake. Out of that simple question she has spun a tangled web of tales, none of which are true. It goes something like this:

It's obvious that the way that they asked the question implied that they disliked her cake. Why, it was actually quite offensive. Not only that, but they purposely offended her. Their behavior is shocking! And everyone at that church is always finding ways to offend her. They've never liked her cake. Or any of her food. She can tell by the way that they look at her. It's cultish. They couldn't possibly have the Holy Spirit. Oh, and that pastor. All he wants is her money. That's probably why his whole family doesn't like her anyway. They're not nice enough to her. It's not a real church. They're just pretending. Why would she want to be around such hateful people? She could never condone such egregious behavior. In fact, she "can't go to that church. It would be like asking [her] to go to a Buddhist temple. It's not right... It's frightening."

This has been followed, of course, by her quest to convince my dad that he can't go to church either.

She complains that he should not leave her alone on Sunday mornings. She complains that they should be going to the same place together. She complains that with regards to this situation, my dad has not done exactly what she says he should. She also complains that she feels like she's "a widow." Then she complains some more: "I'm a spiritual widow. It's very odd to be married and not things the same way."

This is only the beginning, as you might guess.

You've got to watch out for those people that try to make friendly conversation about your cake. They could be in a cult, you know. Just ask my mother. She can tell you.

Sypmtoms part 4

Denial

My mother does not know that she has a psychological problem. "I do not have a problem and I know it. I have peace from God. I am fine" she explains.

As a result, she refuses to seek treatment. ("I am not going to submit to any mental health examination because I don't have any problems. Got that? Do you understand?")

On some level she must realize that there is something wrong, and that is what scares her to death. The mere suggestion that seeking help would be beneficial will cause her to become highly defensive or provoke her outbursts of anger. She is afraid that we will try and have her committed to a local mental hospital.

She has recently tried finding ways to "prove" that she is not mentally ill. It is impossible because "the Holy Spirit gives [her] a sound mind," she says, once again quoting the Bible out of context.

Reasoning with her is impossible. She will simply tune you out and shout over you "please leave me alone. Stop this now! I don't have this problem."


Projection

Denial and projection go hand in hand. Since she does not have any problems at all, it must be everyone else that has the problem.

She is convinced that everyone wrongly believes that she is mentally ill because, in fact, everyone else is mentally ill. As a hypochondriac, she sees her difficulties as being physically-caused and believes that the rest of us can't "see the truth" because of our own mental deficits. "I hope that you will someday understand about my health and menopause" she recently wrote to my brother, referencing one of the many physical conditions that she supposedly suffers from.

"You need to tell our children that I do not have a mental illness. You have been off in your head. I have not been diagnosed and I'm not going to be" she told my father today. The main recipient of her verbal attacks is my father. "You need to have your head examined" seems to be one her favorite phrases. She more often tells him that he has a problem than he tells her. That, of course, is another problem entirely.

Something needs to be done

Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

Yesterday, after church, I was talking to the pastor about my parents' situation, which he knows about. He commented how sad it was that they are unable to truly "live" their lives together. He agrees that my dad needs to do something soon. He even said that if she doesn't end up killing him first, the stress is going to give him a heart attack.

Three hours later, there I was, calling 9-1-1, at my dad's request, because he had very sharp chest pain.

Wow.

The doctors say that his heart is fine. It appears that the whole thing was anxiety-related. I can't say that surprises me at all.

Of course, this brings us back to the original problem. Something needs to be done. I cannot allow her mental illness to kill him too. It's simply not fair.

Symptoms

Let's talk about symptoms.

Paranoia
My mother is constantly worried about anything and everything. "I'm so worried right now" she will often say.

She believes that "everyone gangs up on" her. She is not able to trust anyone, as she believes that everyone is out to get her. She says that she can only trust in God. This means that she in unable to form a close relationship with anyone. It caused an alienation of family members who do not want to be around her. She does not trust her own spouse and believes that he would cheat on her if given the opportunity. She often accuses him of this.

She believes that others want to hide things from her. She reads her husband's e-mails and still accuses him of deceit. ("You say 'I'm on the phone' but you don't say who you're calling.")

She often feels that she has been emotionally hurt by others. She initially likes new acquaintances, only to develop a sense of distrust over time. She will misinterpret their actions or statements. ("I could just tell by the way she looked at me" she'll say.)

She fears that there are "scopers" watching her house in order to break into it. This means that she is afraid of leaving the house alone because it could be broken into while she's gone. She never answers her phone, preferring to listen to answering machine messages, since she thinks that calls could actually be from the "scopers," wanting to find out when she is at home.

She is afraid of everything. Even a simple insect entering the house will send her into a panic. Daily life has to be hard when everything has become so troublesome.

In search of a cure

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, "an estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder." Mental illness is very prevalent in our society, yet far too often goes undiagnosed and untreated. My family and I have been greatly affected by this disease. Here I hope to share my story, not so much in an effort to entertain potential readers, but with the hope that I might find and offer support to others who have been affected, and that I myself might be able to find some way to help my family.