Not one problem, but two

Here's why sometimes it seems so hopeless:

My father has trouble recognizing what needs to be done. He lives in denial with regards to my mother's mental state.

My husband and I spoke to the pastor and his wife over lunch last Sunday. They know that we need to take action.

I spoke to my dad's psychiatrist as well, when he called a few nights ago. He agrees that my mother needs treatment and had a list of suggestions on how to accomplish this.

It seems as though everyone recognizes the severity of my mother's problems - everyone but my dad, anyway.

This evening I told my dad very clearly that my mother needs psychiatric help and that she needs medication.

His response?

"Well maybe there's some sort of natural alternative..."

Oh.
My.
Goodness.

Really, what can you say to that?

Blame it on your lying, cheating, cold deadbeating, two-timing, double dealing, mean mistreating, loving heart

My mother's rants seem to take a cyclical nature. For weeks she will focus on her health and all of her "illnesses," and then it suddenly shifts to a different topic, and then back to her health again.

She is currently fixated on the fact that my dad, according to her, is "interested in other women." She accuses him of all sorts of insane things, such as searching for her replacement, the desire to wife-swap, on-line relationships, being a "two-timer" and an inappropriate interest in his sister-in-law who lives 2,000 miles away.

Recently, while checking his e-mail, she noticed that he had friend requests from a social networking site sent by *gasp* women. But what could you expect from some one with a sneaky temperament? She of course was "shocked and disgusted" by this.

"If you want to stay married to me...." she began her spiel against social networking sites, their marriage-wrecking capabilities, and their satanic origins. "That is why marriages are broken and our society has such a high divorce rate. It is doing Satan's business" she explained.

"You have no discernment in your brain at all. These women out here are just horrible. Friend requesting you. And they're 18, 23, 24 and a 59 year old. You would not find that kind of crap in my e-mail. This is just filth. 'Chat, flirt, photos, games, and more!' They have pictures on there of women with their names and ages. You want to be associated with this kind of mess? I'm sick of it. Would you want your pastor to see that? It's too filthy for me to even send to you. It is pure carnality. You need to delete all of that. I just think it's wrong. Men are visually oriented and they have pictures of women. It's just wrong. Who got you into that anyway? Anybody that's a Christian should never be on stuff like that. I am shocked. That is despicable. You are a married man. You're not single. That is just a garbage site for people that are looking for hookers. You have a choice. What do you think your wife is? A numskull idiot? You think I've got an IQ of 10? That I'm not going to be looking into you? Well I'm going to be looking closer. I want to know who Sue is from church..."

Of course that is only the beginning. She will continue like this until she finally finds some other topic to complain about.

All I can think about is this.

You've got a thing or two to learn about me baby
'Cause I ain't taking it no more and I don't mean maybe
You don't know right from wrong
Well the love we had is gone
So blame it on your lying, cheating, cold dead-beating,
Two-timing, double dealing
Mean mistreating, loving heart

Hypochodriac + Common Household Items = Danger

My mother recently visited a new doctor, not just any doctor, but a "naturopath". The purpose of her visit? She needed to discuss how to "detoxify". It seems that she was poisoned, she says, by an air freshener. Yes, that's right; she complained of pain, coughing, and difficulty breathing, all because she got a whiff of an air freshener. I never knew they could be so dangerous. What will she come up with next?

(Well, this morning it was foot pain, I believe. This evening it's been a sore neck.)

Anything that can be complained about, she will complain about.

Monologue - I am not!

"...I'm going to send them an e-mail so that you won't ever be telling anyone else that I'm mentally ill! You won't be telling lies like that! We're going to put a stop to this. If you want to stay married to me then you better. I am not depressed. We're going to straighten you out. And I do not have depression. I'm going to blow you right now with that pastor and they will know why it looks like I have depression! I guess what you do could give a person depression! But I do not have that. I am going to get you some help and accountability with the pastor and the psychiatrist. When we get done with you, you will never want to do that again! Your filth and garbage is coming out! I'm not the one with mental illness! There's going to be accountability. Is that okay?! Because it's going to have to be okay if you want to stay married to me. Is that clear mister?! Are you ready to be right with God and people and me?! Do you understand?! I'm going to let them know that you need to be watched over. You don't need to invite trouble. And I'm going to tell those pastors that you do invite trouble and you do need to be watched over. Don't you think it's appropriate to have accountability? These people are wimps and I'm not expecting much, but at least they will be clued in..."

...and on and on and on it goes...

Overheard

HIM: "I bought too much lunch meat this time. We need to make sure that we don't buy so much next time because it could spoil."

... Approximately 10 minutes later...
HER: (angrily) "Is that anyway to treat your wife who is sick, who feels like she is about to die?! Yelling at her?! Criticizing everything that she does?! 'Don't ever do that again!' you said. You yelled at me!"

HIM: (softly) "Did I yell at you?"

ME: (confused) "Do you even know what she's talking about? Because I have no idea what she's talking about." (vague feeling that this is not about to make sense)

HIM: "Well, I think she's talking about the meat."

ME: (huh?)

HER: " 'Don't ever do that again' he yelled at me."

ME: "No he didn't. That's not even what he said."

HER: "He has no idea what it feels like to have a headache and abdominal pain. You people always have to criticize me!"

Trauma

The article found here on Developmental Trauma Disorder explains how many problems are started.

"Traumatized children develop a view of the world that incorporates their betrayal and hurt... They easily misinterpret events in the direction of a return of trauma and helplessness which causes them to be constantly on-guard, frightened and over-reactive."

Although the article discusses trauma in children, much of it can still be applied to my mother.

What happens when you mention illness to a hypochondriac?

This evening I was not feeling well due to a sore throat. Not long after mentioning this to my mother, not surprisingly, she said that she also was getting sick. Ah, the power of suggestion.

Her solution? Colloidal silver. Eww. Turning blue does not look very appealing to me.

What did hypochondriacs do before the internet?

Mercury poisoning, adrenal failure, iron toxicity, a sluggish liver, blepharitis, allergies, a weakened immune system, menopause, a slow metabolism, yeast infections, chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, bad bacteria, osteopenia, leaky gut syndrome, hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism, back pain, chemical sensitivity and celiac disease.

These are just a few of the illnesses and conditions that my mother believes she suffers from. Keep in mind that to her, all of these are deadly illnesses that are slowly, yet constantly killing her. She does not ever go to the doctor in order to find out the state of her health, rather she goes to inform the doctor of what she is convinced that she has.

My husband says that in order for my mother's mental health to improve we must first remove her access to the internet. With as many hours as she spends reading about dangers to her health, we're sure that she would be scared away from any treatment by looking up rates of misdiagnosis for psychiatric patients or something similar.

I'll have to make a list sometime of the dozens, perhaps hundreds, of vitamins, remedies and nutritional supplements that she has.

With so many illnesses to be found and researched on the internet, it makes me wonder: What did hypochondriacs do before the internet?

Sometimes I worry about myself.

Mental illness seems to run in the family; it's not just my mother. Her whole entire family seems to have suffered from it to some extent. I remember hearing about some great aunt who went crazy. There's my uncle, who I recall was obsessed with germs and spent hours just washing his hands. From what I've heard about my mother's parents, I'm fairly certain they were not mentally healthy either. My aunt, however, is the only one with a known diagnosis: schizo-affective disorder. She's bipolar, schizophrenic, and also suffers from dissociative personality (multiple personality) disorder.

My dad has some sort of anxiety-related problems. It's probably secondary trauma from being around my mother for so long.

Just a few weeks ago my I found out from my brother that he has had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

My aunt says not to worry, that I'm probably past the onset age for schizophrenia. For family members of schizophrenics, however, the risk of schizophrenia is ten times greater than that in the general population.

So I've told my husband that the day I start exhibiting any of my mother's symptoms he is to take me to the nearest psychiatrist as soon as he can; because that's about all that can be done.

The Church Cake Fiasco

My mother no longer goes to church. She has decided that the church that she attended with my father must be some kind of cult. As a result of her paranoia, she believes that everyone at church is against her.

This all begin quite innocently. A few months ago, at a charitable event, someone asked if she had brought one of the cakes. If she brought a cake. Out of that simple question she has spun a tangled web of tales, none of which are true. It goes something like this:

It's obvious that the way that they asked the question implied that they disliked her cake. Why, it was actually quite offensive. Not only that, but they purposely offended her. Their behavior is shocking! And everyone at that church is always finding ways to offend her. They've never liked her cake. Or any of her food. She can tell by the way that they look at her. It's cultish. They couldn't possibly have the Holy Spirit. Oh, and that pastor. All he wants is her money. That's probably why his whole family doesn't like her anyway. They're not nice enough to her. It's not a real church. They're just pretending. Why would she want to be around such hateful people? She could never condone such egregious behavior. In fact, she "can't go to that church. It would be like asking [her] to go to a Buddhist temple. It's not right... It's frightening."

This has been followed, of course, by her quest to convince my dad that he can't go to church either.

She complains that he should not leave her alone on Sunday mornings. She complains that they should be going to the same place together. She complains that with regards to this situation, my dad has not done exactly what she says he should. She also complains that she feels like she's "a widow." Then she complains some more: "I'm a spiritual widow. It's very odd to be married and not things the same way."

This is only the beginning, as you might guess.

You've got to watch out for those people that try to make friendly conversation about your cake. They could be in a cult, you know. Just ask my mother. She can tell you.

Sypmtoms part 4

Denial

My mother does not know that she has a psychological problem. "I do not have a problem and I know it. I have peace from God. I am fine" she explains.

As a result, she refuses to seek treatment. ("I am not going to submit to any mental health examination because I don't have any problems. Got that? Do you understand?")

On some level she must realize that there is something wrong, and that is what scares her to death. The mere suggestion that seeking help would be beneficial will cause her to become highly defensive or provoke her outbursts of anger. She is afraid that we will try and have her committed to a local mental hospital.

She has recently tried finding ways to "prove" that she is not mentally ill. It is impossible because "the Holy Spirit gives [her] a sound mind," she says, once again quoting the Bible out of context.

Reasoning with her is impossible. She will simply tune you out and shout over you "please leave me alone. Stop this now! I don't have this problem."


Projection

Denial and projection go hand in hand. Since she does not have any problems at all, it must be everyone else that has the problem.

She is convinced that everyone wrongly believes that she is mentally ill because, in fact, everyone else is mentally ill. As a hypochondriac, she sees her difficulties as being physically-caused and believes that the rest of us can't "see the truth" because of our own mental deficits. "I hope that you will someday understand about my health and menopause" she recently wrote to my brother, referencing one of the many physical conditions that she supposedly suffers from.

"You need to tell our children that I do not have a mental illness. You have been off in your head. I have not been diagnosed and I'm not going to be" she told my father today. The main recipient of her verbal attacks is my father. "You need to have your head examined" seems to be one her favorite phrases. She more often tells him that he has a problem than he tells her. That, of course, is another problem entirely.

Symptoms part 3

"Discernment"

My mother believes that she is able to see, notice, realize, or understand things that others are not able to perceive. She calls this "gift" discernment. Having this "gift from God" means that she is always right about everything.

"I'm telling you the truth, as it comes from the Holy Spirit, through me" she has said, in attempt to explain how everything that she believes must be true. She knows everything, she's just "not understood by anyone" she says. ("You're the one that needs the understanding here. I've got the understanding.") In fact, everyone else does not know the truth because, unlike her, "they are all deceived."

"Can you read what's going on his mind?" my father asked her during a recent discussion, after she made paranoid accusations against another person.
"Yes. I can read people quite well" she replied.

She is very critical of others yet refuses to acknowledge any of her own faults. Correcting any misinformation that she may have is a futile effort. She will say that you are a "know-it-all" and will suggest that "your head might explode." She does not allow anyone time to argue against her opinions anyhow. She talks in long monologues, seldom allowing anyone else to speak. Her monologues are quite repetitive; she will often repeat the same ideas or phrases over and over. She will even become fixated on certain words, such as "treacherous" or "egregious," and will use them at every opportunity.

She loves to use religious references and often quotes bible verses out of context. If you do not agree with everything that she says then it is because "a prophet is not heard in their own country." She will tell you that "you're not on the right spiritual wavelength. You're on a satanic one. You're not on God's."

She views herself as some sort of martyr and says that she knows "exactly how Jesus Christ felt on the cross" because she, too, has been rejected and mistreated by others. She will say that she knows exactly how anyone else feels, for example, a person who is seriously ill. ("He has cancer? I know exactly how he feels because I am so sick and I feel so bad all the time and...") She will minimize others' struggles, no matter how great, in an effort to make her own seem important. ("Oh, she has heart disease? Well, my heart was in so much pain last December; I knew that I was going to die. It was such an intense pain and I...")

She also believes that she is somehow better than everyone else in the world. She looks down on others because, in her opinion, they do not eat as well as she does, or spend their money as wisely as she would, or perhaps because they are not as religious as she is. ("They're such new Christians... They have not been taught.")

She explains others' behaviors, which she views negatively, based on a book she read about "temperaments." She refers to everyone else that she knows as being "strong-willed" or having a "sneaky temperament." She herself, however, supposedly has a "compliant temperament."

No one else will ever be able to reach her level of perfection.

Something needs to be done

Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

Yesterday, after church, I was talking to the pastor about my parents' situation, which he knows about. He commented how sad it was that they are unable to truly "live" their lives together. He agrees that my dad needs to do something soon. He even said that if she doesn't end up killing him first, the stress is going to give him a heart attack.

Three hours later, there I was, calling 9-1-1, at my dad's request, because he had very sharp chest pain.

Wow.

The doctors say that his heart is fine. It appears that the whole thing was anxiety-related. I can't say that surprises me at all.

Of course, this brings us back to the original problem. Something needs to be done. I cannot allow her mental illness to kill him too. It's simply not fair.

Symptoms part 2

Hypochondria

My mother has a long list of ever-changing yet always-present physical "ailments." Her hypochondria has escalated in recent years as a result of the internet. She is now a cyberchondriac, which according to Webster's New Word Dictionary means that she is "a hypochondriac who imagines that he or she has a particular disease based on medical information gleamed from the Internet." She will read about an obscure medical condition either online or in a book and will quickly become convinced that she suffers from that illness.

She truly believes that she is deathly ill. "I'm dying" or "I feel like I'm going to die" she will often say. Although she has said that she would be better off "with God" instead of "on this earth," it is clear that she fears death.

As a result of her numerous imagined illnesses she has a very large supply of nutritional supplements. She believes that each new purchase will be the one that will somehow solve her physical problems.

She has a very strict diet. There are numerous foods that she refuses to eat because she believes that she is allergic to them, or that they are not good for people with her blood type, or because they may be contaminated.

She is overweight and does have one allergy, however most of her illnesses only exist inside her imagination.

Today, after many complaints of a supposed UTI she went to the doctor, who of course found no such infection. She arrived home still insisting that she is ill, it's just that the doctor couldn't see it.

She enjoys letting people know how sick she is. So much so, in fact, that her pastor's wife has found it difficult to speak to her on Sunday mornings, knowing that she would be stuck listening to her complaints and unable to greet any of the other churchgoers.

She complains almost nonstop to anyone who will listen. ("I am too tired." "I am so thirsty." "I feel like I could die." "I am too hot." "I am so sick." "It stinks in here." "I can not keep up with it all." "There is too much to do.")


Failure to Take Responsibility for Own Actions

My mother refuses to acknowledge that she has contributed to any of her own problems.

She believes that she is unable to lose weight because of her metabolism, or "mercury poisoning," or her thyroid, or... anything else, except for her lack of exercise and her refusal to change her diet. She even blames the pediatrician, who instructed her parents, to feed her Karo syrup as an infant. That, she says, is what set her up to be overweight.


Lethargy

My mother's daily routine consists of sleeping, eating, and sitting on the couch with her laptop. She has not been employed for many years. She does not like light, and prefers to sit in the dark instead of opening up the curtains. Her lack of personal hygiene is also disturbing. She dislikes any form of exercise. She will not even go for a walk in her neighborhood.


There's more to come.

Symptoms

Let's talk about symptoms.

Paranoia
My mother is constantly worried about anything and everything. "I'm so worried right now" she will often say.

She believes that "everyone gangs up on" her. She is not able to trust anyone, as she believes that everyone is out to get her. She says that she can only trust in God. This means that she in unable to form a close relationship with anyone. It caused an alienation of family members who do not want to be around her. She does not trust her own spouse and believes that he would cheat on her if given the opportunity. She often accuses him of this.

She believes that others want to hide things from her. She reads her husband's e-mails and still accuses him of deceit. ("You say 'I'm on the phone' but you don't say who you're calling.")

She often feels that she has been emotionally hurt by others. She initially likes new acquaintances, only to develop a sense of distrust over time. She will misinterpret their actions or statements. ("I could just tell by the way she looked at me" she'll say.)

She fears that there are "scopers" watching her house in order to break into it. This means that she is afraid of leaving the house alone because it could be broken into while she's gone. She never answers her phone, preferring to listen to answering machine messages, since she thinks that calls could actually be from the "scopers," wanting to find out when she is at home.

She is afraid of everything. Even a simple insect entering the house will send her into a panic. Daily life has to be hard when everything has become so troublesome.

In search of a cure

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, "an estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder." Mental illness is very prevalent in our society, yet far too often goes undiagnosed and untreated. My family and I have been greatly affected by this disease. Here I hope to share my story, not so much in an effort to entertain potential readers, but with the hope that I might find and offer support to others who have been affected, and that I myself might be able to find some way to help my family.